Another long awaited update

What behavioural difficulties we may have feared with the 'Terrible Two's' never really seemed to materialise. Now barely three months from her third birthday, we are still stuck with a very well adjusted, happy and gregarious little girl. She may watch a little too much TV, and surprise us at times with things that she has clearly learned from it (a finger in the air for quiet then, 'aha, I have an idea'- where did that come from?), she may dislike getting her hair washed during baths, and she may decide that clothes are simply not to be worn, but this is all absolutely normal for a child of her age.

Matilda's language and forms of self expression are surging ahead. A good level of both English and Norwegian spoken language, counting in both (we are up to 12 in English and 20 in Norwegian), complex sentence construction and the ability to use them in conversations not only with us but her toys as well. That was a surprise, the interaction with her toys. It also shows us that her sense of self is also coming on earlier than is usual. Regardless, it's also very cute watching Matilda read stories to and play with her dolls and stuffed toys (as well as phones), as well as taking their roles when participation is required.  

She loves to draw and paint, sing, dance (beyond just running around in a circle with Daddy or Mummy), and probably most endearing of all right now she likes to play make-believe, mostly by taking the roles of various animals (horse, dog, cat, pig, cow and tiger). And, alas for our knees, sometimes she will insist on us being an animal too.

Matilda does test us a great deal with her boundaries, and certainly knows some things are right/good, while others are bad/wrong. She will say sorry if she thinks she has done something wrong. Conversely, if she feels something is unfair she used to cry, but now she tries not to, taking deep breaths to try to keep herself under control and generally yelling at whoever is closest to go away. While we both like the idea of her setting up her own boundaries and try to respect her wishes if the reason for her being upset is nothing too serious, much of the time it requires some reasoning with her to explain why what she was doing was wrong or not a particularly good idea (throwing rocks out of windows for example) or, failing that, some plain old stubborn 'No' if she's being too unreasonable. And then feel wretched and awful while we wait for her to finish sobbing and like us again.

And while we haven't managed to leave nappies behind yet, we are making good progress with potty training. The dummy though... the way she clings onto that I wonder if she will still have it when she is 18. A lot more work is required there.

Her sense of what goes on around her is going to give us her first real Christmas this year I think. While last year she was happy to get the toy pram and her other presents, she was not really aware of the occasion. Now she knows what birthdays are and gets very excited when 'new' things happen, so with two months for the concept of Christmas to sink in (as a fun family occasion, not the religious aspect) Christmas, this year in England, ought to prove to be very interesting. There's nothing quite like being around a child that can see and feel the magic of Christmas.  

Pokes M and mutters, 'what next?'

Lately, the big move forwards is her self-expression, especially all the faces and expressions she makes in reply to everything gong on around her. The Terrible Two's have calmed considerably, probably in relation to the improvements in language and communication. The only slight blight on our horizon is her continued and apparent increased dependance. That I hope we can address after Leni's weekend away.

Maybe I should add more pictures, since it's just a link away via Flickr. Another thing on my todo list. I take enough pictures and it might encourage/remind me to write more here. Matilda does enough to warrant it, I'm just... lazy isn't the right word. Where is my head? Answers on a mysterious postcard please.

Another first

Matilda survived her first night without mummy being present (hen party). It took letting her stay up until almost 10pm and not finally falling asleep until nearly midnight, and then waking up at 5:30 with a whimper of ‘mummy boobs?’ There was no going back to sleep without mummy in the bed too so up we were. A long day, but it’s nice to see that Leni can stay out all night if she needs to.

Kindergarten II

I am glad I used the words ‘should’ and ‘ought’ a lot when previously talking and writing about Kindergarden. The first couple of days we, one of us at least, were to remain there with her so that she could grow accustomed to a new place away from home with the security of mummy or daddy. After that the kindergarten staff advised us to remove ourselves for a half hour to begin with and then longer, and then just leave her there of the morning and go. All children cry the first few times when they are separated from their parents, the staff told us. I expected tears.

Leni took her on the first day, and I on the second. I discovered to my shock that Matilda barely stopped crying the whole time I was away that first time. It was to be expected I was told. What I wasn’t expecting was the ferocity of her crying and shrieking. Nor the vomiting. 

It can be argued that Matilda did not have the ideal start, having a cough from somewhere and potentially teething at the same time. That was in our minds enough to assume that things might be more difficult since being ill tends to make a person more fragile than normal. After the first day, I was restored to Matilda’s side and everything went well. The next day I remained away longer. I returned to find that Matilda was still crying and trembling, and had puked again. During the time I was away Matilda refused to do anything with any of the others, especially the staff. If the staff tried to do anything with her she would start crying hysterically. 

At home Matilda’s behaviour suddenly changed. She has always been a happy child, and suddenly there was crying, puking and everything was a struggle. The ‘terrible twos’ were also upon us and we did not really know how much of her change in behaviour could be attributed to simply growing up and finding herself, but clearly something is wrong when you child begins to become afraid of getting dressed, going outside, and will no longer even let you out of her sight without crying and screaming.

The real last straw was the day I took her and the staff urged me to just leave her with them and go, so that the goodbye was not drawn out. I had to peel my child, screaming and sobbing off of my leg and then from my arm where she tried to hold onto me so tightly. Believing that the staff were correct in their assumption that a short goodbye would be better, I turned and walked away with Matilda’s choking sobs in my ears. 

I was assured that they would ring me to tell me how things were going after the first half an hour, and then we would see what to do next. They told us that she had eventually stopped crying and formed an attachment with one of the female staff. Later when they went back inside, Matilda refused to get changed, refused everything and cried, sobbed and screamed until I returned after an hour.

Back at home, her behaviour was terrible. From other parents and forums, we heard that it would take time. One looked at Matilda and it was clear that this wasn’t just a case of ‘missing’ us. If we kept this up I wondered if it might not even end up changing her in ways that we would regret. It suddenly seemed stupid and trivial, our sending her to Kindergarten when I was still working from hom and available to take care of her and take her into town to see other kids and go to one of the open kindergartens there. 

The words here really do not convey our anxiety over this whole mess. We wanted what was best for our daughter and had hoped, perhaps assumed too easily, that she would take to kindergarten. What we were getting was a nightmare.

The weekend came and there was a joint birthday party held at the kindergarten premises. Walking to the gate with Matilda, she did not want to enter. At the very door, she began to cry. Once inside she broke down in hysterical tears and had to be carried around. It took half an hour and the arrival of Lisa, one of our friends’ children to coax her out of my arms and back down to the ground. 

The next week I wanted to start again, to see that Matilda was at least comfortable with going to Kindergarten with me (or Leni) there. I just needed to see that she actually liked it. Matilda hated going there now, even with me going along. It was a struggle for me to get her to change clothes, eat, anything. She did try to mix with the other children, but at that age children seem to play next to each other rather than with her. Matilda on the other hand actually enjoys interaction with other people, including children. Matilda was certainly able to have fun, especially when some of the other kids wanted to join her in playing. It might have been more fun to pay with the bigger kids, but they were simply a little too large and too boisterous for her. But beyond that I realised that there was little there for her that we couldn’t find anywhere else. As good as the staff are, they are still spread out between a lot of children. The children themselves seem a little lost there. Each one in their own world until a member of staff plays mother or father to them. It wasn’t the place I thought Matilda needed to spend her days in.

While we persevered for another couple of days, the weekend was when our decision was made. We want a happy child. There is simply no need for us to put her in a place where she is so desperately unhappy. We clouded the issue by assuming it was for us to, and it could have been, but for now at least, we are in a position where we can still put Matilda first and have her around us.

It has been a week since Matilda’s last visit to Kindergarten. We have a much, much happier child again. And so are we.